I would liken being greeted by Zoe to walking into a rainbow! hehehehe. No, seriously, she has this genuine and loving smile that makes you feel like you’re instantly at home. She is honest, sincere and is really passionate about doing life well. You can instantly see that in her professional life as she is an accomplished and very talented artist. You can instantly see that in the love and joy that she shares when she spends time with her children, Cienna and Cael and you can most definitely see that when you’re observing the likemindedness and peace she and her husband Seamus share. Zoe is bright and very insightful. I love that about her and so I’m so happy to share my time with her as she shared her thoughts and reflections on being a successful mother as well as a career woman.
It had been quite a while since I had actually seen this amazing family. Cienna seemed to shoot up a few feet and Cael was laughing and responding already… it was beautiful, really. Seeing their smiles and playfulness as they would run around was so fun to watch. It was that same happiness and laughter in Cienna but in a bonafide little gal who now has a social life in daycare. Cael was walking around with a big smile on his face and would let out almost a shriek of laughter as Cienna would do something that would crack him up, I just couldn’t help but giggle as I’d hear him. I love happy kids (as I’m sure parents do as well) but I was not surprised to see that outpouring of bliss-like energy that was emitted as Zoe, Seamus, Cienna and Cael spent time together. It was such a blessing to take time listening to Zoe over coffee and chai but it was so much more powerful to watch everyone interact after. It was real. It was fun. It was amazing.
Here is my time with Zoe:
Name: Zoe
Age: 28
Profession: Artist/Painter
Children: Cienna is 4 & Cael is 1 and a half
D: Highlights during pregnancy?
Z: I really liked finding out that I was pregnant for the first time ’cause there’s this time where you don’t tell anybody and that’s really intimate and special and so private. I love that.
D: When did you realize you could do this, you could be a mom?
Z: I think it was after she came out! (laughs) You know I think there’s a reason why God incubates that baby for 9 months and prepares you for that time to wrap your head around being a parent and even then in retrospect your not ever really prepared for that wondrous thing that comes into your life. Our first pregnancy was a surprise and so we were more surprised than lots of people who plan it. I always knew I could do it, women around the world do it with 1/1000 of what I have, I always knew I could.
D: Were there any experiences within your pregnancy that prepared you to be ready for now?
Z: I think from having your body overtaken by another human being and carrying that around all the time and the intimacy you feel physically to that baby and having them kick inside of you and grow inside you prepares you for the closeness that you long to feel but I’ve always felt very strongly from the second that my children came out that they weren’t mine. They weren’t mine to control or to receive outcomes from, they didn’t belong to be so when I look back, pregnancy was a special time for me where I got to hold them inside of me.
D: Are you the same person you were before you had children?
Z: 4 years ago?! Me! I feel like a completely different person from before I had children. Because I believe that life is largely a spiritual pursuit, I believe that having children is the perfect way to observe your selfishness and your selfish desires and so kids constantly nag at your self and your ego and everything that you want, so kids are the perfect way to learn selflessness. I’m a better person because I care more about them more than I care about myself.
D: What are certain things you see in Cienna that are similar to how you are?
Z: So much! (laughs) Its funny because I raised her the most. Seamus worked the first couple years of her life so I had a lot of influence in her early hears. Biologically she’s very similar but also through her nurture, she’s a lot like me. She likes to get things done and likes to be on the go and she’s really out going and she’s kinda funny and she’s really quick. I can’t take credit for all the good characteristics that she has but I definitely see so many similarities. Cael and has been home with Seamus for a year and a half, almost his whole life and so they’re a lot a like. I’ve been pursuing my career and so Cael is totally like Seamus, he’s chill, happy, relaxed, he’s great, so funny and so I see a lot of those similarities.
D: How has the team work been with you and Seamus? How does it work?
Z: Well, we kind of have two different worlds. When Cienna was first born, every second she would go to sleep someone would be with her and Seamus would go to work, I’d run to paint like a mad woman. I’ve been fortunate that I had been efficient during those times to run my business part time through the first year and a half or two years of her life. And since Cael was born, Cienna was 2 and a half, Seamus has been home with them so I’ve been able to focus on painting full time so, right now I spend time on the computer and painting in the studio. And then I come home to the wild chaos of family!
“Your time is not your own.” – Seamus
… but he loves it. Seeing him being “dad” was awesome, the kid’s faces instantly lit up as they’d play.
D: What is Seamus like as a dad?
Z: Amazing. He was born to be a dad. He said he wanted to be a dad since he was 11. Yeah! He just loves it. We’ve never had any inconsistencies as to how we wanted to parent our kids. We always talk about it, we always are pretty aligned. We never had any parenting challenges, one of us might say to the other, ‘hey, I think you observe this about so and so. He or she is feeling this, we could try and be more sensitive’. We remind each other of things but I really don’t feel like its been a point of contention for us. We want them to be healthy, happy, all of the same things and we conduct ourselves accordingly. He’s been 120% since I’ve been working full time! He’s off the hook, he’s been so good.
D: Are there any similarities between how you were raised and how you raise your kids?
Z: Having kids is a way to reflect on how you were raised as a kid. For most people it is the first time they’ve got to reflect on truly how they were raise and then you get to make the decision on whether or not your going to carry those things on. They’re some beautiful things my parents did, my parents were amazing parents, but then there is also a time where a decision needs to be made right in the moment and I’m like, ‘who can make this decision?! who is the adult here?! I don’t know what your gonna do about that, I have no idea’ and then you’re like ‘oh it’s me, its me – I’m the adult here!’. This is kind of unrelated but when Cael came out, I just needed a second. I needed the pillows propped up and I was like “I just need a second”, I was overwhelmed and my midwife was like, “no, he needs his mom” and I was like, “wha, who’s that?!… me?” and she looked right at me and said, “he needs you” and I was like, “oh right, yeah”. The fullness of that shouldn’t be heavy or a burden but that’s all encompassing. There are moments in your parenting where you’re the one who gets to choose what’s right, what’s wrong, where you draw the line so you get to assess. I guess the short answer is you get the assess what your parents did and find out what you value but you also have to merge together two worlds. Seamus was raised super different from how I was raised so I’ll say, “well, I’m assuming things are done like this” and he’s like “no…” so, you see your partner in a different light too. You need constant reassessing of ‘what are we gonna do?’ and ‘how are we gonna move forward?’ I’m also a big fan of Barbara Coloroso who is a parenting guru from the 80s and my mom gave us some of these tapes, like literally old school tapes, and we put the tapes on when we were having problems with disciplining Cienna in the beginning and she’s incredible!!! She’s rad!
D: What does a normal day look like for you?
Z: Uhhh, like what are moments like? Chaos – bliss, chaos – bliss, bliss- bliss, chaos!! (laughs) I do the mornings and then I go to the studio and work in the studio or meet with different people. I meet clients like five times a week so I get dressed up for that, get dressed up for openings. I work on something called The Cheaper Show, which is an art event so I work on that 1 and a half days a week and I have a lot of events to go to for that. Our schedule is so flexible, when you’re self-employed, as you know, sometimes I go home and go to the park at 2 o’clock and hang out as a family and sometimes I come home at 9 o’clock at night and the kids are asleep as Seamus has done it all himself. Sometimes I take the mornings off… Seamus is really understanding, if I need to do things for work, he understands the long term prosperity on the larger scale that could come from connections I could make. So he never limits my time or says to me, ‘no, no, that’s enough’. He’s incredible, really. We’re unconventional. You really need to claim that! You have to be like, ‘I’m observing that everyone is doing A, B, & C’ and so instead of comparing, you can’t compare, you have to own it. There are definitely advantages to being unconventional but you also have to constantly assess and reassess the model. You constantly have to look within yourself, be very in tune with the pulse of the family unit, the pulse of everyone in it, the relationships that are formed within it and you have to be willing and flexible to make changes. Especially with kids, you need to be ready and willing to put the work in to have a rich life… which somedays we do very well and some days, its a complete disaster! (laughs)
D: What do you enjoy the most about being a mom?
Z: Kids are hilarious! Kids are so funny! I’m interested in going places, getting places, doing things and accomplishing stuff and… kids aren’t really into that. (laughs) I don’t know if you know, but that’s just not their main concern so, they still you… they enrapture you so you are caused to be ‘still’ which is bliss on earth, that’s heaven on earth. That’s these moments of complete unadulterated, pure joy. They foster in you this desire to create more bliss because they’re so good. I see the way my kids make everybody around them completely happy, unintentionally and just completely by their presence. It makes me want to be a better person and be really good at that. I want to be really good so people are swept away in joy when they’re with me, like the way that my kids are, you know?
D: At the heart of it all, all encompassing, what is your joy?
Z: I love… our family. I love just hanging out, all 4 of us… I think that’s the funnest thing ever! We’re like a walking Playland, a walking Disneyland. We are… we’re like, bursting with fruit flavor (this totally cracked me up, no better way to describe this family… its so perfectly true!! back to Zoe -). We are! I like seeing my kids with their grandparents too, that’s special.
D: What has kept you level headed?
Z: The grace of God (laughs) and Goldfish crackers!
D: For you or for the kids? (I’m totally laughing)
Z: Hahahaha, for the kids! ‘What do you need: the grace of God or Goldfish crackers?! – here take these!!’ I think only need a couple good mom friends, and I could only ever find a couple because I couldn’t really relate to some of the moms. Some of the moms I’ve met are really interested in buying stuff and their choices for their children and their lives are motivated out of fear. They’re afraid of losing themselves. They’re afraid of being themselves, or afraid of their children dying… afraid, afraid, afraid. I really see this materialism as this intentional distraction they put in front of themselves so they don’t have to deal with the reality of that range of emotions. But we all go through the same things, and as soon as women stop acting as fake as they do, ’cause there’s a lot of that stuff. Like at the park… ‘does anyone wanna talk about what’s really going on?… no, well, okay, I’m just gonna go over here and pushing my kid on the swing!’. What’s on sale on Walmart is not what’s actually going on in the household. The more transparency that women can have… amazing… we’re gonna all benefit. We’re gonna raise children who are more open and honest. I want to talk about real life, you don’t need a ton of friends but the ones that you have, you really need them because you really need to be open and honest with each other and if you can get a couple good mom friends right away and just stay with them and make time to be committed to be with them, it’ll save you. The 3 moms I know, love and respect have saved my life, like literally saved my life. Women in other cultures spend so much time together and in our culture, we’re so isolated and private and not willing to be open.
D: What is your greatest struggle as a mother?
Z: I’m always afraid that I’m going too fast and that I’m missing out. Or that I’m working and missing out on them growing up. Its easy to pass judgement on yourself if you’re not home all the time and I have to constantly trust that the work that I’m doing is important and its the best way I can show my children that I believe in feminism, I believe in the women working and I believe that women before us worked outside of the home and in the home so women can truly be free. I have to step into that freedom with confidence, but there’s a lot of structures in our society that say the opposite. So we believe we’re beyond women working but its a new challenge where I have to know that the work that I’m doing is really good, really worth it and quality, otherwise its not really worth it. I do constantly keep that in check and I struggle with that. And you know, your marriage suffers. Having kids is like a funny test from God!! ‘Oooh, your marriage is so good! Try this!’ and you’re like ‘whoa…’, its funny sometimes but also serious because you can let your marriage slide away, being so focused on the kids. You have to really keep that in check.
D: How is marriage now as parents?
Z: Because none of our friends have kids, we see them in this joyful time. Their either married or together and so they’re in this time where they get to buy their first apartment together or go traveling and that’s hard. There’s a time once a week where I’m like ‘whoa, that’s unfair, that’s hard’. Seamus and I didn’t have a huge time together in the beginning we were really only together for 6 or 7 months before we found out we were pregnant but then we have the 8-9 months of pregnancy. We have had a lot to do on our marriage while having kids which is this hilarious uphill battle but to be perfectly honest the perfect arrangement for marriage would be to not have kids at all because you have all this time to nurture each other. It definitely takes second seat and you have to have date night you have to keep the marriage alive, that was always important. At times we’ve let that slide and you feel it. Your marriage is the soul of the house and the foundation of the house and so if that’s not right, everything else suffers. You have to pay attention to keeping the love alive, keeping the flame going… bringing sexy back!!
Z: A ponytail is not the same as a shower! Every time I see the majority moving in a certain direction, I always take a pause because I get a bit suspicious and I realize you need to look within yourself and see if that’s what you really want to do as a mom and if that’s really who you are. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Ask for help and take people on their offer to watch your kid. Its easier to teach it properly from the beginning then undo a formed habit. (So true!!)
“They want you. Your presence. Time is not equal to full presence”. - Zoe
D: Recipe for energy?
Z: I like sleep and I like coffee!
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Here’s some items from Zoe’s diaper bag:
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Zoe, thank you. I feel safe with you. Your kind and genuine heart, your honesty and prudence & your heart for making life rich, resonates with me deeply. I only hope to share even just a glimmer of what you and your family enjoy. Watching you all was actually very timely for me. I was feeling a bit anxious about the whole process of labour and delivery as it is coming close and watching you all together chipped all of that away. I’m so thankful I know you.
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