I have to start with the fact that I knew that when I wanted to do these interview features, she would be one of the top on my list. She truly does emit, “awesome”. She is a fantastic mother, an outlet of wisdom and you instantly feel at home. She is kind and welcoming, I really feel happy when I see her. She does the mother role well, I don’t know how to articulate it… there is this nurture about her that I just hope to shower one our little one.
I really enjoyed the time I had to sit with Angie and reflect. Seeing her response as she would talk about the kids and her husband Emmet really made me want to reflect like that after 4 years of being a mom. Her confidence and pose through the questions made me want to hear more and I loved how candid each response was.
Here is my time with Angie:
Name: Angela
Age: 34
Profession: Registered Massage Therapist (RMT) & Doula
Children: Avery is 4 years old & Atticus is 2 years old (Angie is 5 months pregnant!!)
A: Yeah, yeah I did. For me, I do get nauseous but I don’t ever vomit or anything like that, its my biggest complaint for the first 12 weeks but when the 12 weeks are done, its like BAM! it’s over! I don’t become a very bulbous pregnant woman, I carry my children deep inside of me and I don’t know if its because I’m all or… everyone seems to become an obstetrician when you’re pregnant… ‘oh it must be because I’m tall, or my torso is long.’ I mean, who knows its probably more genetic if anything. I don’t swell too much, I don’t seem to have any of those issues. There are vascular problems, I get varicose veins but so far they’ve (both pregnancies) have been the same. Girl first, boy second, I didn’t really detect too much of a difference. And with this one too, I don’t know. And we’re not gonna find out if its a boy or a girl. It’s really a crap shoot… Emmet always says there are only a few things in life that are truly a surprise -
D: Right! He was the one who told us that its like opening a gift before Christmas!
A: And for him it would be the biggest let down to find out. We were at the obstetrician’s office on Thursday and she had a big screen TV. She asked if we wanted to know the sex of the baby and Emmet was like “Absolutely NOT” and so she said, “I should really turn off this TV then because if I get the leg in the right position you’ll probably figure out if its a boy or a girl!” So he’s really adamant about not finding out whether its a boy or a girl and I get that. I mean, there are so many things with technology these days in this day and age where we just kind of know and figured out, this is one of those things where you’re able to keep this secret and carry it around with you for nine months and when you show it to the world finally, its amazing.
I’d like to think I’m fit and I like to exercise, its hard to let go of something taking control of your body. Your breasts become these things, like you don’t even know… like what is that?! And your stomach and your legs… its hard to let go of the control. I’m not one to say “oh well!’ I fight it a little bit. Not too much but its one of those things where I don’t feel most beautiful when I’m pregnant. But people tell me, ‘you look great’, ‘you look beautiful’ but its just you and your body. Like if you’ve ever had self conscious issues and you’re like ‘oh right, I’m pregnant – that’s normal! I’m supposed to gain weight and have like Chernobyl boobs’ and stuff like that. I mean its normal. And for me, I don’t get very, very big. I put on some weight and I remember I was teaching a student and he asked ‘how are you’ and I was like ‘I’m good, I’m good. I’m going on mat leave in a little while’ and he was like ‘oh really?! Thank God you’re pregnant, I thought you were just gaining a lot of weight and I was like “oh…”. And its just ’cause I don’t gain a lot of weight in my stomach and when others ask if I’m pregnant and I say I’m due next week they’re like “nooo…”. I don’t turn into this Demi Moore on the cover of Vanity Fair, all belly and nothing else. I gain it everywhere, with both kids so far and this one too. But with the pregnant women I know, I look at them and think its the most beautiful thing in the world. I look at them and think ‘you’re beautiful’ and ‘you look amazing’ and when Zoe was pregnant I was like ‘Wow, you just look so motherly and luscious. There is something you’re giving off right now that is just so comforting’.
D: What is it that grounds you? How do you stay Angie, the individual and a mom at the same time?
A: I think I need to have a little bit of time for myself and I think everybody needs to have a little bit of time for themselves. The way that I keep focused is going for a jog or even having a day of work, like I work one day a week. Its nice to go to work and feel like you’re giving back and its so fun to be a mom and so fun to have another layer to yourself as well because it makes coming home to your kids that much more exciting. I work on Wednesdays and there’s nothing greater than Wednesday night, walking through the door and they both come running to me and for a moment, I get to feel what Emmet feels Monday to Friday. And it feels good to go and then come back. It makes you appreciate them, it makes you appreciate what you’re doing. I think its like taking time away and contemplating and then coming back down to zero, you know? It lets you take whatever they throw at you. Before I became a mom, I always thought ‘I’m never going to work, I’m just gonna be a mom’ and I think is so important to keep something that’s yours. Its like it shows you that you as a person have these multi layers and multi dimensions and it shows your child as well that there are other bigger and better things out there. They say all the time that your child grows better when other people in loving environments nurture them. Whether it be your mom or your husband’s mom, you have a secondary caregiver showering them with love. I’m really lucky that I have my mom who is awesome with my kids. Nobody loves them more than my mom. Our parents really take a big part in taking care of our kids, that really grounds us. Also, going for walks with Emmet. Just spending time with him is just so good for me. Its not something we always get to do but he’s a great person to talk to and debrief on the going ons of the week. Every once in a while we get to go for walks and its really special.
A: He’s an awesome dad. He should give lessons as a dad. I’m being honest… I’m gonna start crying. I weep and that’s how Emmet knew I was pregnant with Atticus, I was just so weepy. But yes, he spends every minute that he’s not working trying to be there for his kids. He’s so patient with them. He has really amazing coping tactics with with what they’re going through and I love how we have different views on things and how to handle the same situation. He is always so thoughtful and everything is so well thought out. I’m in awe of him that he can just work his day and come home and be such a part of their lives. The children absolutely adore him. He’s gentle, he’s kind… Emmet’s favorite thing in the morning,… Atty is really into hockey and Emmet taped the last twelve minutes of the gold metal olympic hockey game and he comes downstairs with him in the morning and says, “hockey daddy, hockey” and they turn on hockey at 6 o’clock in the morning and watch that match everyday. And every time Sydney Crosby scores, Emmet and Atty go “Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!” (low, chanting voice – so cute!) Its hilarious. Its so neat to see your husband be so in love with someone. He loves me but when you actually get to see him be in love with his kids like that its just amazing. It makes me want to have more and more kids with him but I think we’ll probably try to focus on this new one for now. (laughs)
A: Its neat how it is constantly growing and evolving and changing. I think that one of the reasons I thank God for him too, that Emmet’s in my life because he’s so into sitting down at night and talking about the goings on of the day and it just seems to get better and better with each day and the more you’re with that person, you just seem to understand them more and the thing I find amazing is that I’m learning more about him everyday. You know when you think you know someone and you’re like, ‘ya I know you and we live in the same house, we’re married’ and it just so neat to see new layers in each other and having kids, different stresses come into play and you learn even more about your upbringing and your insecurities and you kind of get more and more intimate and it gets more and more special. I can’t imagine wanting to have a relationship with anyone else in my life. You know what I mean? Why would I ever not want to be with the man I’ve created a deep and intense relationship with? It makes me even more certain I’m with the right guy. As everyday goes by, I think about that. And that’s why I want to be in the city, so we can be with each other more. We lost a lot of our family time to the highway and its not our ideal. I love having my mother close but I’d love to have my husband closer.
D: Are you the same person you were before you had Avery and Atticus?
A: No. I think you can’t be, right? Because you have to become selfless and I think until you have kids and even in your first pregnancy, you’re selfish. Like you to to the yoga classes, you’re rubbing your belly all the time and you’re thinking about you and how you’re gonna deal with it and all the new things that are coming your way and how lovely and wonderful it is and I think the moment you and your husband become a family, it all becomes about being a family. I remember when I had Atty, I was thinking ‘how’s Avery going to handle this?’ You spend a lot of time with your kid talking about the baby. And its not about you, its about this child. Avery came into the ultrasound room with me and asked, “Mummy, why is that baby so small? Is that baby gonna grow?” it’s all about your growing family and how they’re doing. Even when a couple is pregnant, its still just about being pregnant the concept of a child is not really developed yet. And men are different, they’re so visual so they need to see the baby before they say ‘oh my goodness, our life is completely changed’. Like you feel it and you’re feeling the baby move, your stomach is growing but until he can hold that baby it his arms its like, ‘oh now I get it’. I really just don’t think I can be the same person that I was 4 years ago and be the mom that I am. It was all about me and now its not about me at all. And I’m okay with that, its something you take on when you agree to be a parent.
A: Ya, I think you use the tools that have been given to you. You know what you know, right? And I think that there were things where when I was growing up I said I’d never do to my kids, I’m never going to say those things and I find myself saying them. And I’m like ‘oh gee, oh well…’ … therapy will hopefully figure that out for them. (laughs) I turned out okay, I guess. I think my family is really traditional and respectful. When I see Avery being disrespectful, I don’t like it. Family respect is such an important thing. Like when grandparents come into the room, you have to be respect full and that’s something my parents taught me and I think that’s something that I try to teach her as well. But I do see the similarities, its really hard to break that. The good and the bad.
D: What does a normal day look like for you? And what is your energy level like?
A: My energy level definitely changes depending on how much coffee I give myself. We have morning preschool on Tuesday and Thursdays and that’s always really hectic. You want them to be brushed and dressed and out the door. You’re trying to teach them how to be on time too, and I’m always late. We have ballet on Tuesdays. Tuesdays seem to be our busy day and I think that exhausts her quite a bit. Atty is still napping for 2 hours a day and so he kind of breaks up our day and in that time he’s napping, its a really special time for Avery and I. I think that’s our time to make play dough and reconnect. There’s a special bond between you and your first kid. You’re always trying to get that what you had before that second or third or fourth kid came along. I heard a funny thing, someone said she was the oldest of 7 kids and her nickname was “Pancake” and someone finally asked why her nickname was “Pancake” and she said it was because the first kid is such a flop and all of the mistakes are made with the first kid so her siblings called her “Pancake”. Thank God I’m not the first kid! So I may just call my brother that. But its true! Wait, I can’t remember what the question was… (laughs)… Yeah, we spend time together and love being in our house. There’s a park on our street, get together with other moms and have a cup of tea with them. That’s a great place to get some peace. Just being with others who get where you’re coming from and its just nice to be with moms who are really kind. There are moms out there that are not so kind and will judge you and there are moms that I like to surround myself with who never make me feel judged. Its nice to come from a place of honesty and we all need that. Some days are harder than the next, your kids become your own thing and when you’re on that hospital bed and your thinking ‘I have this other thing to feed’ its never as easy as that first day. There are so many layers to what you’re going through, there’s this and that and you become a shuttle service, then a sounding board, then a mother of a teenager and on and on, its a life long job… (laughs) but the best job in the job, the worst pay but best job!
A: Goofing around with my kids. Avery has a tent over her bed and we go in there and we tickle each other, and jump on the bed. We joke around with each other and we don’t have to rush anywhere or go anywhere or do anything. We are in the moment with each other and it goes so quickly. 4 years ago, I was holding a 2 day old kid and now she’s at ballet and doing things on her own. Watching Hannah Montana and listening to Miley Cyrus, giving me attitude and I think ‘oh my goodness’, you really need to hold on to those tickling each other in the tent moments.
A: Having them asleep in the house, and Emmet and I reclining and being in our home. Just knowing that they are upstairs sleeping peacefully and that my husband is home with me and we’re making idol conversation. That feels good just to have this family you’ve created. Like, ‘this is the family that I want, I made this’. That’s pretty special. I think I’m a person who is all about my family and I take pride in that… but its also that they’re just asleep and its quiet, its joyful. The little things are what you receive the most joy out of. And would I say that 5 years ago? Would I say ‘having my kids sleeping upstairs and being with my husband watching Glee’, would that be the epitome of what my life is? No. It would be something fun or adventurous, or being out on a night in town or hanging out with someone famous or cool… but that’s not important anymore. Really, that’s so not important anymore. Its neat how you change that way.
A: Hmmm… getting my hair done. Looking normal in the morning. Showering, again, the basic things that you take for granted. Its really, hard. Hard to do those things you used to take for granted. Getting your eyebrows threaded, with two kids sitting on your lap. Its not cool! (laughs) Letting go of it not being about you anymore, you have to accept that, and its hard. We’re all egocentric people and its hard to say, ‘this is all for you kid, all you’ you just still kind of want to look normal and have time to yourself. I think I get resentful of Emmet sometimes because I think ‘you get up and go to work, and when you want to go to the bathroom, you just go to the bathroom. When you want to get a cup of coffee, you go get a cup of coffee. When you’re hungry, you go have lunch’. When you’re a mom, you’re constantly thinking, ‘okay, they’re clean and they’re fed – ohhh wait, he pooped, but I’m hungry, but he pooped. Clean poopy diaper or eat?… Clean poopy diaper, which one do I pick? I’m so hungry’.
D: What have you learned about yourself in all of this?
A: I’m stronger. I’m more patient. I’m more patient about the big things that go wrong and less patient about the small stuff. (laughs) I try not to sweat the small stuff. I’m not a superwoman, but you get a lot put on to your plate and you’re thinking ‘I can do it because everyone else is’. I just do feel like I’m stronger and more patient, I’d also like to think I’m more organized but that’s hard! Organization is a difficult one for me.
A: I like that I’m a comfort to my kids. I love how when they hurt themselves, they want you. They want to be with you. Nobody else in the world can do what you do for them. Its so comforting. It feels good to be that everything to someone, you know? Which is why I think its hard when the kids grow up and mothers miss not being that. I like that I have a good sense of humor about things, you really have to laugh it up because it takes too much energy to cry and really at the end of the day its not that bad. I think I’m good at making light of things.
D: How has your work as a doula been affected as you’ve had children?
A: Mostly empathy. Before you go through it you’re kind of thinking deep in your mind, ‘c’mon its not that bad… suck it up.’ Like you feel bad for the person, you see that they’re laboring but you really have no idea of what they’re going through. But when you go through it you’re like, ‘oh wow, ya, this is hard and it hurts quite a bit. I now see why its so difficult’ I see why its called labor. Its not called “planting trees” for a reason. So, its a really exciting thing to doula for people before and after where someone invites you into a very intimate moment for them. It’s big and life changing so I feel really honored that someone would want me in that room with them. They go in as two and come out as three (or four, depending on if they have twins) and its just so special. Its nice to see the relationship tick or twitch that changes each couple just a little bit. If I could even share a picture of what that looks like when you’re in that room with them, its special.
D: Can you give me a word describing what it was like seeing Avery and Atticus for the first time?
A: Mmm… I don’t know. (tears)… its like peace, you know? Even though they were both screaming when they came out, you just know they’re okay. You worry about what’s going on in there for that time that you’re pregnant and then when you finally get to hold them, its like, ‘oh thank God you’re okay’ and now I can take care of you and its just… just, I’m so happy for us because people who don’t have kids or can’t have kids, I feel bad for them because they’ll never experience that. Even for your husband, they don’t even get to experience that ‘I grew this’, its so much more than you’ll ever feel, you need to savour that how ever long they give you… half an hour or so to bond with the baby. You’ll never get that back again, you know? But its just the most amazing thing in the world, I think. Oh, I’m so weepy.
A: Take a little time for yourself. Remember that this too shall pass. (laughs) Even though everyone may have all these things to say to you, listen to your heart. We are all mothers inside and we all have an innate ability to be a mother and nurture. So, you’ll know what to do. Take advice, but take it lightly. Everyone will try to tell you what to do but listen to your inner voice. And, take a shower, get your hair done and get a cup of coffee.
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Here are some essentials:
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Angie, thank you so much for sitting with me and sharing your wisdom. Ral and I really respect you and Emmet and are so thankful for the energy and joy you’ve shown those times we’ve seen you. Your love for the kids and your ever-strengthening relationship with Emmet fascinate me, I just love how you seem to keep it fresh and simple while enjoying such a rich and happy family life. Always a pleasure!
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